Having suffered with chronic anxiety since the age of ten, I naturally decided to become a performer…
The lottery of life decided to deal me OCD – a much misunderstood mental health condition, and definitely one for a different post.
Throw in GAD (generalised anxiety disorder) for good measure, and that has meant living with an enormous amount of anxiety, doubt and intrusive thoughts from a very young age.
Hilariously, I chose a career that involves standing in front of hundreds (sometimes thousands) of people, attempting things that can go wrong, while everyone watches.
Excellent career planning.
For most of my life, I thought the ultimate goal was to get rid of my anxiety.
I had this idea that somewhere in the future existed a version of me who had finally sorted his brain out. THEN, and only then, I would fulfil my potential and my life would be complete.
A therapist once gave me an analogy that has always stuck with me.
Imagine there’s a dog barking relentlessly on the other side of a door.
You can spend all your energy trying to ignore it, hoping eventually it’ll stop.
Or you can open the door, acknowledge the dog is there, and stop fighting the fact that it’s barking.
The truth is, I never got rid of the anxiety. What changed was my belief that I needed to.
For years, anxiety had been something I negotiated with.
When I feel better, I’ll do this.
When my head is quieter, I’ll enjoy that.
When I finally get on top of this, I’ll be able to become the person I know I could be (and write a decent LinkedIn post).
Except life was happening in the meantime.
Slowly, I began to realise that anxiety didn’t have to disappear for me to take action and build a life alongside it.
I’ve performed at the Royal Albert Hall. I’ve had a career presenting on television. I’ve stood on stages in front of thousands of people all over the world.
All alongside crippling anxiety.
Perhaps the biggest realisation was that a fulfilling life and an anxious one weren’t mutually exclusive.
The dog still barks.
But these days, I’m much more willing to open the door and say hello.
